Emotional triggers in relationships: An attachment perspective

Curious about emotional triggers in relationships? This article will cover what triggers in a relationship are and how to identify triggers.

The concept of a “trigger” or “being triggered” has become more ubiquitous throughout mainstream media as well as the general American lexicon.

This shift represents a positive sign that mental health is becoming more conversational and normalized.

Still, as mental health language becomes more common, it is even more crucial to ensure that it is used appropriately and accurately so that we can best assess and support our clients’ needs.

Moreover, it may be helpful to begin viewing triggers not only from an individual perspective, but through a wider, attachment-based lens.

A systemic view of emotional triggers in relationships is helpful because so much of the pain that triggers reference is often rooted in interactions with others.

As a relationally-based therapist, I believe that while trauma is often relational, so is healing.

A critical piece of healing in relationships is being able to identify and process emotional triggers in relationships.

Triggers in a relationship can impact communication, relational patterns, and overall connection.

If we can get a grasp on the origins, manifestations, and experiences of emotional triggers in relationships, we can begin to guide clients in creating healthier and deeper bonds with loved ones, be it their parents, partners, friends, or children.

Defining triggers and emotional triggers

To contextualize emotional triggers in relationships, it is necessary to first understand the concept and meaning of a trigger.

The use of this word originates from diagnostic criteria related to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

In 1980, the third edition of the diagnostic and statistical manual (DSM) was released.

As part of the PTSD diagnosis, the term “trigger” was included as a way to explain the onset of flashbacks and other trauma-based symptoms.

As such, a trigger can be defined as a stimulus that evokes a strong reaction or response that often stems from a past event.

A stimulus could include memories, experiences, people, or belief systems.

For example, if someone engaged in military combat and they watch a film with images that conjure up a moment of trauma during their service, they may respond by feeling tense or nauseous.

How to identify triggers

An emotional trigger is similar; however, it is more specific in that it induces a strong emotional response rooted in a deeply felt past experience.

An example of an emotional trigger in a relationship might be the feeling of rejection when a person’s partner leaves the room without any sort of acknowledgement. The person’s partner leaving is the trigger, and the emotional response is what has been triggered (rejection).

In any case, when triggered, it is important to look for physical, emotional, or behavioral cues. In some cases, you may observe a person having difficulty breathing or sweating profusely.

The person may exude, experience, or display intense fear, overwhelm, or shame.

Or, in some cases, being triggered may look like withdrawal, crying, or dissociation, when a person disconnects or detaches from their personal experience, thoughts, or feelings.

Common emotional triggers in relationships

Emotional triggers can be wide-ranging and deeply depend on the personal and relational history of a client. Here I’ll share some emotional triggers examples.

Some common emotional triggers include:

Feeling unwanted or rejected

If a close friend of a client ignores them and excludes them from social engagements, this person may feel rejected and as if they don’t belong.

Betrayal or a lack of trust

If a client has a partner that cheats on them, they may feel that it is difficult to trust anyone in their life. The client may start avoiding closeness or believe that they will always be let down.

Doubting self-worth

If a parent is constantly criticizing the appearance of a client, this person may believe that they don’t deserve to be treated with respect or aren’t worthy of engaging in other relationships even if they are receiving positive support from others.

Feeling too needed

If a client was parentified and held a lot of responsibility as a young person, a current partner that is co-dependent may trigger a feeling of being smothered or feeling like they don’t have any space in the relationship.

Abandonment

If a client lost a parent or a sibling at an early age, they may fear future losses. So, if they experience future losses, this may remind them of feeling abandoned when they were younger in their life.

Working with triggers in a relationship

Emotional triggers in relationships can be explored effectively using attachment theory. 

Attachment theory posits that a child’s early bonds with others can impact how the child builds and navigates relationships in the future.

When a relationship is secure, the relationship works like a well-oiled machine where each person feels valued and respected, and each person maintains a positive view of themself and their partner.

When the relationship induces attachment triggers, such as feeling pressured for emotional vulnerability, feeling forgotten, or responding with intense conflict, the emotional triggers for each person can get heightened—in addition to possible insecure attachment styles for that person (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized).

Clinicians can use this as a jumping off point to support each person in a relationship to explore their own triggers, while also understanding how this contributes to a broader pattern in the relationship.

Tracking the whole lifecycle of a trigger (cause, reaction, effect, impact, etc.) will empower those in relationships not only to take responsibility for their feelings, but to  also become more curious about how their partner is impacted by emotional triggers.

When people in relationships understand the function of triggers in relationships, they can work on building more positive and supportive interactions, resulting in earned secure attachment: building a sense of security in current relationships despite having more insecure connections in previous relationships.

An emotional triggers worksheet can be created to help clients identify what their triggers are, when their triggers occur, what their reaction tends to be, and how they can promote self-care when a trigger arises.

Reflective questions to include on a possible emotional triggers worksheet or exercise in session could include the following:

What situations tend to bring out intense emotional responses from me?

• Do these situations include specific themes, memories, or experiences?

• What emotions do I feel most often when I feel triggered?

Has there been a pattern for what has upset me most throughout the course of my relationships?

What happens when I get triggered?

• What do you notice?
• What might the people around me notice?

What helps me feel more grounded after a trigger has occurred?

What happens when I see my loved one experiencing a trigger?

What helps us feel connected again after the trigger has occurred?

The focus of relational work on emotional triggers in relationships should not be on removing the triggers, but rather on creating shared understanding for increased intimacy and closeness.

Relational work is rooted in promoting a shared alliance between two people.

When both people in a relationship can comprehend the emotional processing of self and other, there will be a better chance that each person can respond more positively when triggers in relationships arise in future interactions.

More broadly, the more clients (and clinicians) can learn and grow from their emotional triggers in relationships, the more connected we can feel.

Rupture and repair in relationships become possible because we can empathize with what is happening for a person.

Relational growth starts here, one positive interaction at a time.

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