Fair fighting rules worksheet
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If you’re a therapist looking for a fair fighting rules worksheet to explain fair fighting rules to clients, you’re in the right place.
This guide to fair fighting rules for couples gives mental health therapists a brief overview of the fair fighting rules, their benefits, and how they can benefit clients in relationships.
You can also download a free fair fighting rules PDF to save to your electronic health record (EHR) and share with clients.
What are the fair fighting rules?
Conflict is a normal part of relationships. Couples may disagree and get into heated debates, especially if one or both individuals have a history of trauma.
This might play out in trust issues, jealousy, overcontrol, infidelity, feeling disrespected and threatened, and difficulty parenting. However, unresolved conflicts or having an unhealthy conflict style can damage the relationship.
Worse, conflict between parents can negatively impact children's cognitive and social development, causing low self-esteem, poor social skills, and adolescent aggression in peer and partner relationships.
Fair fighting rules are a constructive conflict tactic that helps couples navigate conflict safely and effectively while maintaining boundaries and their relationship.
The key characteristics of fair fighting rules include:
Respect
Avoid name-calling, shouting, and aggression. Trying to address a conflict while upset is futile. It will further upset the other person and lead to defensive or avoidant behavior.
When each person is speaking, respect their perspective, even if you disagree with it. You can disagree while respecting your partner.
Clarity
Before discussing the issue, try to understand the root cause of your feelings. Do you feel unappreciated for doing more than your fair share of family responsibilities? Or, perhaps you feel like your feelings weren’t considered when your partner made a decision for you without your input.
Describe your feelings
Get specific about why you are upset, and try not to exaggerate or overgeneralize.
For example, you might say, “I feel like I am expected to go along with what you decide when I’d like to have my feelings considered. I wanted to do _____ this weekend, instead of ____ because ___.”
Patience
This fair fighting rule involves discussing one issue at a time without interrupting the other person.
Fairness
Ensure each person is given an equal opportunity to voice their concerns, feelings, and the outcomes they’d like.
Stay focused
Ensure you stay focused on the topic rather than stockpiling a list of issues bugging you. Otherwise, the other person might feel attacked and less likely to listen to what you say or solve the problem.
Collaboration
Try to approach problem-solving collaboratively, which may involve compromising or coming to an understanding.
Take a break
If the conversation becomes heated or both parties feel like they aren’t getting anywhere, use a time-out.
Taking a break involves asking for a period of time to pause the conversation (usually 15 minutes to one day). When asking for a time-out, it's important to specify when you have capacity to revisit the conversation rather than leaving the other person hanging.
This list of strategies is also included in the fair fighting rules PDF that you can share with clients.
Benefits of fair fighting rules for couples
Constructive conflict strategies, such as the fair fighting rules, have been associated with the following benefits:
- Lower levels of internalizing symptoms among children
- Higher levels of marital satisfaction
- Feeling heard and respected about the reason for their upset
- Being invested in the resolution of their conflict
How to use the fair fighting rules for couples PDF
Therapists can use the fair fighting rules worksheet in the following ways:
- As a rules for fair fighting handout to remind clients how to manage their conflict
- The fair fighting rules PDF can illustrate fair fighting tactics during a couples therapy session
Sources
- Douthit, J. (2022). What the heck are fair fighting rules? Center for couples counseling.
- Greeff, A. P., & de Bruyne, T. (2000). Conflict management style and marital satisfaction. Journal of sex & marital therapy.
- Miga, E. M., Gdula, J. A., & Allen, J. P. (2012). Fighting fair: Adaptive Marital Conflict Strategies as Predictors of Future Adolescent Peer and Romantic Relationship Quality. Social development.
- Morgan, T. (2024). When and how to engage constructively in family arguments during the holidays. American Psychological Association.
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