Four horsemen worksheet

If you’re a therapist looking for a four horsemen worksheet to share with clients, this four horsemen of the apocalypse worksheet can help them understand the concept.

The concept of the four horsemen was developed through the research and work of The Gottman Institute. 

The research identified several particular behaviors and patterns as the most disruptive and damaging to romantic relationships. 

This article explains these behaviors, their antidotes, and the benefits of using a four horsemen worksheet with couples. You can also download a free four horsemen of the apocalypse worksheet and save it to your electronic health record (EHR) for future use.

What is the four horsemen concept?

The Gottmans identified four main patterns of behavior, labeled the “four horsemen.” These include criticism, stonewalling, contempt, and defensiveness.  

When these four behavioral patterns are consistently present, they can erode the foundations of a relationship over time. 

Each of these patterns is included in the four horsemen worksheet attached to this article.

Criticism 

Criticism is marked by harsh, negative, or blaming language from one partner to another. It often includes judgment and a focus on the flaws of the other person in the relationship. 

This type of communication is attacking in nature and tends to evoke defensiveness from the partner who is receiving the criticism.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is an emotional, mental, and verbal shutting down.

When a partner becomes overwhelmed emotionally or physically, the shutdown occurs in response. 

Being overwhelmed may not always be visibly apparent, as a person who is stonewalling may appear externally calm and quiet; however, the overwhelm is happening below the surface.  

Stonewalling can look like withdrawing or refusing to speak during a discussion. It reflects an avoidance of dealing with difficult problems or conflicts. 

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Contempt

Contempt is an expression of anger, disgust, or dislike toward one partner.  

This can occur verbally with insults and using a sarcastic tone of voice.

Contempt can also occur nonverbally through disdainful facial expressions and cold body language, and can carry a sense of superiority or condescension.  

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is all about putting up walls and not looking inward. It is trying to ward off what is perceived to be an attack.  

It involves not taking responsibility, shifting blame, and not accepting feedback from others.

Defensiveness can look like a counter attack or like playing the victim. Making excuses can be common in these instances.

What are the four antidotes?

These four horsemen can be quite a strong force, however, the good news is that The Gottman Institute also identified four antidotes: one approach for each of the four horsemen that can neutralize and counteract them.  

These antidotes are also listed in the four horsemen worksheet, sometimes referred to as the four horsemen of the apocalypse worksheet.

Gentle startup

The gentle startup approach is a calm, gentle, and collaborative approach. It is the antidote to criticism. It involves a warm tone of voice and non-verbal communication.  

The gentle startup speaks about the problem or situation rather than the person. 

The use of “I” statements to lead with vulnerability is essential. This approach can help encourage communication and reduce defensiveness from the other person. 

Self-soothing

Self-soothing is most effectively used as an antidote to stonewalling. 

When a person is overwhelmed and shutting down, tools such as deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation become essential.  

This can be done in the moment or by taking a pause from the discussion. 

When a person is able to soothe their own body and emotions, they will be much more able to be present with their partner and communicate effectively. 

Sharing feelings, needs, fondness, and admiration

This antidote is best used instead of contempt. 

Focusing on the positive aspects of a partner can reduce feelings of disgust or hostility and expressions of contempt. 

When a person shares compliments and positive attributes about their partner, this can foster connection and melt away the coldness of contempt. 

Directly sharing feelings and needs is also an important aspect of overcoming contempt.

Take responsibility 

This antidote, used instead of defensiveness, turns the focus away from the other person, away from self protection, and focuses on the self.  

There is no blaming or gaslighting, but rather accepting responsibility and using apologies where necessary. Feedback is heard and considered, rather than thrown out and dismissed.  

Benefits of using the four horsemen worksheet

The couples therapy worksheet, which can be downloaded at the top of this article, can greatly benefit couples. 

It is helpful for clients to review and understand the concepts of the four horsemen and each of their antidotes.  

This baseline knowledge can then help clients to develop their awareness of ways that they participate in the four horsemen patterns.  

When going through the handouts, couples can then start exploring ways to implement the four antidotes instead of the maladaptive patterns. 

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How to use the four horsemen worksheet

The first page of the four horsemen of the apocalypse PDF is information for clients to review and build their understanding of the concept. It gives an explanation of each of the four horsemen and their antidotes.  

The second page of the worksheet helps clients to identify specific moments when they have participated in any of the four horsemen in their relationship. 

They can identify the situation, along with their words, body language, and tone that was part of the experience. 

Once the client has identified which of the four horsemen they employ, they are prompted to start considering ways they can use the antidotes in future situations. 

Clients can plan and script out specific ways to use the antidotes, so they will be more prepared to use these skills in future situations. 

The four horsemen printable PDF can be used by an individual client or used with couples in relationships. Or, each partner can complete the four horsemen of the apocalypse worksheet and then review their work with each other. 

Examples from the four horsemen worksheet

Below are examples of two different types of behaviors in the four horsemen worksheet and their antidotes:

Example 1: Stonewalling

My partner and I got into a disagreement about finances. It felt like I was starting to feel disconnected from the conversation. It was harder for me to think clearly, and then I just stopped responding in the conversation. My partner started raising their voice and getting more upset because I wasn’t responding.  

Antidote: Self-soothing

Next time I feel myself starting to disconnect and shut down, I could ask my partner for a 15 minute break to ground myself before continuing the conversation. When I take the break, I can notice and name things I’m experiencing with my five senses.  

Example 2: Defensiveness

When my spouse gave me some fair feedback on things I could improve on in our marriage, I got upset and started defending myself, making excuses for myself and bringing up unrelated behaviors of hers that upset me. This caused her to feel shut down and dejected. 

Antidote: Take responsibility

Next time I get feedback from my spouse, I will notice the desire to defend myself, take a breath, and instead focus on considering what she is telling me. I can look for points of validity and acknowledge those points. I can remind myself that she loves me, is giving me honest feedback, and is not intending to shame me. 

Disclaimer: This article is not sponsored by The Gottman Institute and is not written in association with Gottman or their editorial staff.

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