Mental filtering worksheet
If you’re a therapist looking for a grief myths handout to share with a client, you’re in the right place.
This article provides an overview of myths about grief and answers commonly asked questions about grief and loss.
We’ve also included a free downloadable grief myths handout to save to your electronic health record (EHR) and use in your practice.
5 common myths about grief
Grief is the emotional suffering people experience when they lose someone they love or something important to them.
While we all experience loss at some point, grief is a unique experience. Yet, many myths exist about how people grieve and how long the grieving process takes.
Dispelling common grief myths allows clients to better understand what grieving can look like, allowing them to express their loss and process their emotions.
Common myths about grief include:
Myth #1: Grief has distinct stages
You may have heard of the well-known five stages of grief created by psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, which she published in her book “On Death and Dying.”
The stages are:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
However, there are no defined stages of grief. Kübler-Ross wrote about this process to describe the stages terminally ill patients went through when dying. Sadly, Kübler-Ross’s work process was misconstrued, which she herself acknowledged, and there is no empirical evidence to support prescriptive phases of grief.
Experts like David Kessler, who has co-authored books with Kübler-Ross, contend that her work was misunderstood, and these stages would present themselves differently in grief.
He stated, “They were never meant to help tuck away messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss as there is no typical loss.”
Kessler emphasizes the importance of therapists highlighting the unique grief process of each individual.
Some of the grief process may include experiencing the painful reality of death, a lack of grief altogether, or profound anguish and dysfunction. Emotions may include shock, anger, sorrow, regret, anxiety, loneliness, unhappiness, depression, guilt, and despair. Individuals may experience grief in waves (or bursts), intrusive memories, or reminders of the deceased.
Myth #2: Grief should resolve
While there is no “normal” period of grieving, most people’s grief doesn’t have a clear endpoint.
However, researchers say grief does have two distinct stages:
Acute grief: Directly after the death, this period is characterized as intensely painful, causing crying and sadness, other painful emotions, and thoughts and memories about the deceased.
Integrated or abiding grief: A person transitions to integrated or abiding grief after a few months of acute grief. During this period, it may be easy to recall the deceased while experiencing sadness and longing. Wounds also start to heal, and the person experiencing grief finds their way back to a fulfilling life, experiencing pleasure, and integrates the loss, but isn’t preoccupied with it. Acute grief may reawaken during anniversaries, holidays, significant events, stress, and when experiencing another loss.
Myth #3: Something is wrong if you’re grieving for a long time
Grief does not follow a timeline. As described above, grief may become integrated and the client is able to move on with their life with less painful emotions, but they may also experience a surge of grief at times. This is a perfectly normal experience of losing someone.
It’s also important to note that even though grief is experienced differently by each person, there are certain boundaries to other mental health conditions, like complicated grief or grief with depressive symptoms, that clinicians may need to be mindful of.
Factors that influence how long a person grieves include:
The individual’s preexisting personality
Genetics
Unique vulnerabilities and risk factors
Nature of the relationship
Age and health
Spirituality and cultural identity
Prior losses
Type of loss (sudden, anticipated, natural causes, accident, suicide, or homicide)
Relationship (parent, sibling, friend, spouse, or child)
These factors can contribute to whether a person goes on to develop complicated grief or grief with depressive symptoms.
Approximately 10% of bereaved people experience complicated grief. Symptoms of complicated grief include separation distress, intense yearning and longing, preoccupation, traumatic distress, intrusive thoughts, and avoidance. Complicated grief typically lasts beyond 12 months for adults, and these symptoms appear in a repetitive loop that becomes the primary focus of the person’s life.
Myth #4: If you’re not crying, you’re not grieving
Everyone experiences grief in their unique way. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Some people express emotions publicly, and others do not.
Those who struggle to cry publicly may hold certain views about expressing emotions being a sign of weakness or losing control. However, that doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling the intense emotions associated with grief or crying in the privacy of their home. Everyone has the right to grieve in their way, even if that means not crying much or at all.
Myth #5: You can only grieve someone you loved
Grief is often experienced when you lose someone you love or something or someone important to you. But there are many types of loss. For example, people grieve the loss of pets, coworkers, homes, or the effects of natural disasters.
People also experience grief from life changes, such as losing physical abilities due to cancer, relationship losses like divorce, chronic illness, miscarriages or infertility, or aging.
Frequently asked questions about grief
What is a “grief burst”?
Grief bursts refer to the feeling of a wave of grief that may appear out of nowhere and feel overwhelming. These bursts are a normal part of grieving.
Is grief a mental illness?
Grief is a normal and healthy response to losing someone you love and generally doesn’t require formal treatment. However, there are conditions called complicated grief and grief-related depression that can be painful, disruptive, and all-consuming. Both complicated grief and grief-related depression require prompt mental health intervention.
Is grief an emotion?
Grief is not a single emotion but a spectrum of feelings and emotions that occur in response to loss.
Is grief bad?
No, grief is a normal part of life as people adjust to the loss of someone or something they loved. This grief myth may be common among children and teenagers. It’s helpful to remind them that grieving demonstrates how much that person, object, or being meant to them.
How to use the myths about grief handout
You can download and use the grief myths handout in several ways.
For example, you can use it during a session when providing psychoeducation about grief or grief myths.
Provide the handout to the client to remind them of what you discussed during therapy. Ask the client to reflect on the myths about grief between sessions, consider how these myths have affected their grief, and share their findings at their next therapy appointment. You can also combine it with a grief sentence completion worksheet.
If you see clients in group therapy, consider using the grief myths handout in a grief processing group.
You can also print the handout and leave a copy in your waiting area or treatment room or share the handout with coworkers.
Sources
American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Prolonged Grief Disorder.
Georgetown University. (n.d.). Myths About Grief.
The Dougy Center. (n.d.). Dismantling three grief myths. The National Center for Grieving Children and Families.
Wolfelt, A. (n.d.). Mourner’s Bill of Rights. Grief and Loss Center.
Wolfelt, A. (2023). Helping Dispel 5 Common Misconceptions About Grief.
Zisook, S., & Shear, K. (2009). Grief and bereavement: what psychiatrists need to know. World Psychiatry: Official journal of the World Psychiatric Association.
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