Strengths discussion questions
Effective apologies can repair conflict and trust in relationships, but not everyone knows how to express a sincere apology.
This article provides an overview of the key components of an effective apology to use with clients in therapy.
We’ve included a free downloadable expressing apology worksheet PDF that you can save to your electronic health record (EHR) and use in your practice.
How can apologizing improve relationships?
Apologies play a crucial role in healthy relationships, and helping clients recognize this can motivate them to repair conflict rather than avoid it.
Even when conflict stems from a misunderstanding or differing perspectives, an apology acknowledges the impact of one's actions, accepts responsibility for hurt caused, repairs trust, and fosters forgiveness.
Clients who avoid apologizing, or who offer an insincere apology, may unintentionally cause more damage to the relationship—the other person can feel like their feelings aren't being taken seriously or that the situation is being dismissed.
Help clients understand that when an apology is perceived as genuine, it can resolve conflict, repair the relationship, and lead to forgiveness.
Key components of an effective apology
Saying “I’m sorry” is often not enough when making a sincere apology.
Clinicians can guide clients through the following key elements of an effective, heartfelt apology:
1. Acknowledge what happened
While maintaining eye contact, encourage clients to use clear and direct language to take responsibility for what happened. Help them acknowledge why their actions were hurtful and how the behavior was unacceptable.
Guide clients to avoid using phrases like “I am sorry you are hurting” or “I’m sorry for last week.” Instead, teach them to focus on the specifics and ownership of their apology by saying, “I am sorry for the way I acted. I can see how it was hurtful to ignore your message, especially when you were feeling unwell.”
2. Provide more information
Without excusing the hurt, teach clients to describe what happened if appropriate.
For example, they could say, “My phone battery died, but I realize you were feeling unwell and deserved a more responsive reply.” If there is no legitimate reason for their actions, encourage them to express that directly: “I have no good reason to excuse how I acted.”
3. Express regret
Help clients show remorse by acknowledging that the behavior was hurtful and stating that they’re sorry. If they feel guilt or shame, explain that communicating these feelings demonstrates to the other person that they feel bad about the situation. For example, “I am so sorry for the hurt I caused by being inconsiderate. I am disappointed in myself.”
4. Make amends
Guide clients to ask the person what they need to put the situation right. If the other person is unsure, clients may promise never to repeat the mistake and outline how they’ll improve their behavior.
If there was a financial implication to their behavior or conduct, they might offer to reimburse them or pay for damages. For example, “I want to rebuild your trust. What can I do right now to help make this right?”
5. Repair the relationship
Remind clients to follow through with their promises to make amends and restore trust and balance in the relationship. Explain that this might include ongoing couples counseling or setting and maintaining boundaries.
How to use the apology worksheet
You can download and use the apology worksheet in several ways:
Use the expressing apology worksheet PDF to explain the components of an apology in couples therapy sessions.
Ask the client to reflect on the worksheet and complete the reflection questions between sessions and report their findings at their next therapy appointment.
Use the handout as a taking responsibility worksheet in group therapy sessions.
Combine this worksheet with other relational worksheets, such as our 10 green flags in a relationship, assertive communication examples, “I statements” worksheet, and boundaries exploration worksheet.
Share the worksheet with coworkers or leave copies in your office.
Use the expressing apology worksheet PDF to provide training to interns or supervisees.
Sources
Coliss, J. (2023). The art of a heartfelt apology. Harvard Health Publishing.
Grabmeier, J. (2016). The 6 elements of an effective apology, according to science. The Ohio State University.
Greater Good Science Center. (n.d.). Making an effective apology. The Greater Good Science Center, University of California, Berkeley.
Yamamoto, K., Kimura, M., & Osaka, M. (2021). Sorry, not sorry: Effects of different types of apologies and self-monitoring on non-verbal behaviors. Frontiers in Psychology.
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